It’s happening now.
Wave after wave of fear, grief, and hopelessness. I tried to make them stop, slow them down, change them. I even turned on Comedy Central’s roast of Justin Bieber. Nothing. I can’t catch my breath.
I am told not to try to change it. Instead, observe it, non-judgmentally, with curiosity, blah, blah, blah.
Curiosity killed the cat. I like cats.
What choice do I have? If I continue this life, seeking escape from my despair, I will constantly seek escape. I may be sober from alcohol, drugs, binging/purging/starving/acting-out – I could still run away, play hours of online solitaire, watch marathons of Law and Order, or binge shop on imperishable consumables like toilet paper. But I am paying someone 100 dollars a week to help me be more curious about my suffering. I tell him that I have intense desires to disappear, and he will say “Isn’t that fascinating!” and I reply “F-you.” It’s a reluctant “F-you” because I want his help.
I desire life, even just a little sometimes, but it’s an enduring desire.
On Facebook I saw an ad for Udemy; they are offering a “Learn The Freedom To Choose Something Different” workshop by Pema Chodron. If I could choose something different, I would. It seems I am supposed to feel this in order to heal. Choosing healing is something different than running away. This advertisement features a quote by Pema: “Fear is a natural reaction to moving closer to the truth.” I must be moving closer to the truth.
There is a saying in AA – This Too Shall Pass. Everything passes. Then it comes around again, and leaves. Like in-laws, or clouds, or ice cream. It all happens in a moment that I can not hold. Time will not be held, and ice cream will melt.
My brain hurts. My body wants to go to the floor and curl under the floorboards, be part of the earth, my tears her fertilizer. That last part is a bit…histrionic.
I know this evening will move on, and I will be grateful that I lived it. This is key to survival – understanding and accepting the impermanence of life. Yes, it means death – my greatest fear – eventually. But it also means the sensations of anxiety, grief, and hopelessness will not stay in the foreground forever. Impermanence means hope. I don’t mean hope in an afterlife, but hope in this life.
I am aware of my privilege. I get to experience the sorrow of living. I get to know my fears. I get to grieve the loss of the innocence I never felt.
I am here.
And cats have nine lives.
Maybe I should look into that workshop…
Much Love,
Erliss