Category: Insomnia

“Danger danger DANGER!” My brain is freaking out. I am alone in our house high in the mountains, light years from human civilization, waiting to be digested by some barbarous mountain man.   [Narration break: Dear Erliss is prone to exaggeration from time to time. She lives in the foothills, and there are other houses around containing civil human beings – one of whom gave her car a jump the other day when she left the lights on overnight. Still she feels lost in a sea of poisonous reptiles, carnivorous cacti, feral humanoids, and the Ents of Fanghorn – you know, those tree creatures in Lord of the Rings.  Erliss is scared to be alone.  We will let her be there for now.]

I MAY NOT survive the night. So I am writing my thoughts. My terrors. My shadows. My Monsters. (My heart is thumpering through my chest, ready to flee/fight/collapse/freeze./turn-into-a-milkshake. I will take a breath, and continue. Innnnnnnnhale…ex…ex…ex…ha…haaaaa…hal..hehehehehehe…hale.)

Here is the true story:

There are bears that smell my gluten-free-lemongrass-chicken- frozen-dinner- leftovers from miles away, and they will break in through the windows for a midnight snack.  A bear did that to a neighbor’s house just the other day and ate their Entenmann’s  crumb cake and the lasagna from the fridge. Even with all the windows closed and locked, I am told these bears have claws that can pry open anything. Great Big Claws. And you can’t run away from them, by the way. You are supposed to fight the bear. Seriously, there are signs around that tell you “Don’t run-fight the bear.” Bah!!!

And the mountain lions—forget it. They silently stalk their prey – and will do so for days.  I won’t even know it’s a mountain lion eating me because they clamp their jaws around your neck and have invisibility powers. That’s some CIA/FBI/PETA top secret info I’m not supposed to know. Oh, but I know.

This house is not like my metro- apartment—where I lived on the 5^th floor and could block the escape window with the refrigerator, and the door with the vacuum cleaner and ALL my shoes.  I could scream and someone would hear me. And the only critters to fear were the occasional mouse and cockroach. (Who I found to be quite friendly, by the way. Good ole Frederick and Elsa.  I wonder what they are doing this evening?)

Here we have windows everywhere on the ground floor, and a basement with its OWN DOOR – uh – oh, did I lock it? Isn’t it always locked? What if I go down there to check, and someone is waiting to bop me over the head and steal all my precious jewels and money? But I don’t have any jewels or money, so they would hold me for ransom, and my family doesn’t have money, so they would behead me in the forest or sell me as a house maid. Crap. I can’t go down there without my mace, and that’s in the car, maybe I should take the bug spray and a lamp…

“I have no jewels, I have no gold, I have no money – but you may take my student loans! Please take my student loans!” I scream through the basement door. It casts a shadow on the stairs. I hate shadows. There are monsters in shadows.  I stomp around the living room “I’m dialing 911 right now! The police are on the way! I know kung fu and judo and I’m a Ninja Warrior Tiger Princess!

AND I AM LUNATIC BAT SHIT CRAZY!!!!!!!!!”

Shhhh! I freeze. There are noises, just now,coming from the wood burning stove. I think it’s an anaconda. I’m screwed.

Two days ago I commented to my therapist that the picture on his wall was soothing. It was a forest. Green. Calm.  That night I dreamed I was walking through a forest with boulders, butterflies, and birds chirping. Ah…I felt like I was floating. Then I heard gun shots. They came closer. “Shit, they found me!” I woke up out of breath, in a pool of sweat, certain that I was being hunted in my bedroom.

Last night I dreamed that I was looking out of my window, and saw a creature five times bigger than I, with its mouth gaping open so I could see TWO sets of teeth, a giant slimy tongue that kept slurping silvery beige sticky goo out of its mouth onto the window making a “nails screeching on the chalkboard” sound, 15  eyes of fire burning a hole in my skull (I swear) and ten arms with fangs and mouths and slime of their own. It was dirty, stenchy, disgusting, and it wanted me. I could tell.

I just threw up in my mouth thinking about it.  I am sure it’s peaking in the window now, only I can’t see BECAUSE  THERE ARE NO CITY LIGHTS JUST PITCH BLACK DARKNESS AND I’M ALL FUCKING ALONE IN THE WILD WEST WITH OWLS AND TERRORIST MONGOOSE, KILLER COYOTES , WILD BOAR BEARS LIONS AND SLIME!!!!

I had night terrors as a child. I saw devils and demons and monsters floating around my head, crawling under the covers, tickling my feet. And my dreams –  screaming, suffocating, giant hands, panic panic panic.  I hate bedtime.  If I could have one super power, it would be the power to always be awake.

As I write, I imagine lying on my bed and closing my eyes, and my face goes numb, my throat closes up, my breathing becomes shallow.  I may die tonight. It may not be a lion or a creature or a person that kills me—my own heart could murder me in the middle of the night. I could just…stop…breathing – like I seem to be doing now.

Quick—find three things in the room that are purple – yoga socks on the floor…that’s it, no more purple –crap, pick a different color. Blue? Black? Green? It’s too stressful.

Tap your face, Erliss… I tap and I say things like “even though I am afraid I will get eaten by a slimy ten foot by eight foot by five foot beast with freaking TWO ROWS OF BLOOD SUCKING FANGS, I completely and fully love and accept myself.”  Nope.

Erliss, imagine a time when you felt safe, at peace, loved… and I start remembering a calm feeling, then the cat freaks out and runs up to the loft, and I know she sees something I don’t –my heart pounds uncontrollably – the Grim Reaper is here. Damn reaper. They say cats know these things. They walk in both worlds.

Oh God, how am I going to sleep tonight? I need to sleep—I have to pretend I have my shit together so I can preach to the sweet little church ladies and gentlemen in the morning.

And this is my mind. My monkey mind.

I imagine that I should welcome the terror. The Buddha might say “Hello fear, hello smelly monsters with giant fangs, what can I do for you tonight?”  Rumi tells me to welcome the unwanted and uninvited creatures as guests and serve them tea. Gulp. I would rather destroy them, pulverize them, mash them into patties and sell them to  McDonalds.  But I have tried that for my entire life – it hasn’t helped. I guess its time for something new.

If I don’t sleep, then I don’t sleep. If I sleep, I sleep. If I dream of flowers and fairies, then I dream of flowers and fairies. If I dream of monsters and headless horsemen, then I dream of monsters and headless horsemen. Acceptance. Acceptance. Acceptance. Acceptance.

If I don’t make it through the night, which is a possibility for any one of us, then know that I loved deeply, and did my best to end suffering in the world.  Hopefully, (and in all likelihood) I will survive. In which case, I thank God ahead of time for letting me try this life again, for one more day.

May it be known – I want to live.

Goodnight monsters. See you later.

Much love, Erliss

PS- My husband comes home tomorrow. I hope he knows how to fight bears.