Cold.
Hands Feet Mouth Ears Nose Heart Brain Cold Cold Cold.
Numbness –face, numb. Ears loud- clang clang clang clang – with a constant – vroooooooooooooooom. And a whistle. Someone is whistling in my head. Like crickets.
My thoughts – I want to die. I am bad. I am evil. I am dirty. I don’t want to be here. I want to go home, go home…where am I?
Coils, scorching twisting coils in my stomach, move their way deeper, through my lower back, my chest, my heart, my heart – It will stop someday, your heart will stop beating someday, maybe now, maybe tonight, without even knowing you it will stop…
I wash my face, in the mirror I see eyes, my eyes, no her eyes, no his eyes, too many eyes, and hands and all over hands please stop the hands – will someone PLEASE STOP THE HANDS STOP STOP STOP.
A vision, horrid, dangling from a tree, wrapped in a wool blanket, gone. Bloody, but not bleeding. Gone.
My throat, now the coils move to my throat, they wrap their wired fists – so many fists – around my neck and I
can
not
breathe.
Exhale. Exhale. Exhale all the way exhale all the dirt mud slime grime shit
Exhale…
Please can I go home.
Clang…Clang…Clang…
Falling…I am falling…my head. Pressure on the side of my heh heh heh head.
Cut out the bad parts, get a knife and cut them out, get a hammer and hammer them out, get a rope and…and…and…
It doesn’t stop. Will it ever stop? When will I be whole? When will I feel connected to beauty not the hate that made me so wrong…
Exhale…you are holding your breath, Erliss, exhale. Come on, EXHALEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE.
Can I die? Can I go? Can I save my little soul…where is the time who, who, who is there- someone…
It’s OK, Erliss, you are OK. You are here. I am here. Look around the room, look around Erliss…
There are big windows here, beautiful windows. This is my home. I live here. 2016.
I hate myself. I hate my self.
Shhhhhhhhhh…there there, it’s OK. Stay here, you are here, come back home.
I feel like I’m falling and the floor will wrap around me and steal the oxygen, and move through all my parts…
Hey, we are so tired – you are sleepy. Let’s go to bed. We are here now. All is well, all is well.
I am here – sort of…
This is what happens, and it is happening now. My brain, all day, wanting to die, wanting to kill myself, wanting to hurt myself, wanting to live. I don’t follow through, I am, after all, committed to living. Life is beautiful- it is crazy, ugly, terrifying beauty.
Going to bed soon, I will lay with the person I love next to me. I will probably cry. Maybe sleep. And wonder…all the voices in my head will wonder in unison. And someone will touch my eyes until they close and sleep.
I am preaching in the morning on love. I won’t say this, but it is Love that keeps me here. I don’t mean love for my spouse and his love for me. Or family. Or friends. Or even God.
Love for the desire of love, that is why I am still here. It’s desire that keeps me from losing this life. Even though I am not contributing much to this world, I do desire to care for it, I desire to hold the suffering gently enough so when it is ready, it will take space in the air, or under the earth, or wherever it resides next.
Exhale.
Don’t worry, my friends. I will be here in the morning. This happens, you know. I lose myself, and try to maintain curiosity even though I am lost. It’s scary. And difficult. And it is…my burden.
I am not even going to look this through. Just post. It is where I am, and whether I want to be here doesn’t matter. Here is here.
I am sad. In and out of sad. It hurts.
Much, much love,
Erliss, The Monkey Whisperer